book 10

Tristram, Isoud, Palomides, Trouble

The Joust at the Castle of the Hard Rock (Continued...)

..., and although Tristram told him who the shield was from, he would not reveal his own name, puncturing both King Arthur himself and Sir Uwaine when they got too inquisitive.

Between a Hard Rock and a Place

Then he rode off and rescued Sir Palomides from Pitiles Bruce and his ten nasty knights, following the damosel save failure referred to at the end of the last book.

Having saved his life, he challenged the injured Sir Palomides to mortal combat in a fortnight's time at the tomb of Lanceor and Colombe (remember them from book 2 ? Mallory is just FULL of little cross-references like this).

Meanwhile Launcelot was going around incognito in white armour with a covered shield so he could beat up all his pals, and ended up at the tomb where Tristram mistook him for Palomides (who later claimed to have been in jail) and they nearly killed each other, fulfilling Merlin's prediction made decades before that the two best knights in the world, and the truest lovers, would one day fight there, but neither die.

Sir Tristram Joins the Club

Once they figured out who was who and kissed and made up Launcelot finally dragged a reluctant Tristram back to Camelot, where Arthur noticed that on the Round Table the name of his dead knight Sir Marhaus (whom Tristram slew at the beginning of book 8) had magically changed to... Tristram ! And he signed him up.

Camelot Capers

Infuriated by stories of Sir Tristram's fame in England King Mark left Cornwall in disguise and rode to Camelot looking for treacherous revenge but only got humiliated several times and dragged before Arthur.

Sir Lamorak humiliated all the Orkney Knights at a joust and Gawaine swore revenge, having already killed Lamorak's father King Pellinore for having killed HIS father King Lot.

Tristram desperately wanted to see La Beale Isoud again, so Arthur made King Mark promise to cancel his exile and take Tristram back to Cornwall safely, and Launcelot promised to kill Mark if he hurt Tristram.

Percivale

King Pellinor's youngest son Percivale was introduced to Arthur by his eldest (full legitimate) brother Aglovale and knighted. They all suspected he might be something special when after a high-born previously dumb maiden suddenly told him to sit in the Siege Perilous she confessed to the nearest priest and died.

The Death of Margawse

Sir Gaheris caught his mum Margawse shagging Sir Lamorak (who had slain her husband King Lot at the Battle of Terrabil), so he chopped off her head in mid-shag and let Lamorak go to kill later. Lamorak claimed he hadn't killed Lot, it was Balin (which is not what Malory says), and rode off in shame. Camelot was in uproar.

France Invades Cornwall

King Mark sent some nasty, muck-spreading letters to Arthur's court at Carlion, so Sir Dinadan wrote a ley and sent Eliot the harper to Cornwall to satirise him horribly in return.

Meanwhile Elias invaded Cornwall from Sessoin in France, and King Mark was forced to ask Sir Tristram for help. While Tristram was recovering from previous wounds Mark led an attack, but after much slaughter ended up beseiged in Tintagil Castle where Tristram eventually joined him. Once in charge he burned all Elias' ships, and after much mutual carnage agreed to a champion contest, and Tristram slew Elias after a long and very close fight. The Sessoins were forced to deliver hostages and walk home to France.

Then, during the celebrations, Eliot the harper arrived, which totally ruined King Mark's good mood.

Alisander le Orphelin

One day King Mark's brother good Prince Boudwin found Saracens invading his part of Cornwall, and with no time to go through official channels attacked and drove them off, killing forty thousand of them. Mark was so angry at being upstaged he personally stabbed his own brother to death in front of his wife the Lady Anglides.

La Beale Isoud advised her to flee with her son Alisander le Orphelin, and after escaping with the help of the good Sir Sadok she ended up with her cousin Bellangere who was the constable at Arundel Castle (then known as Magouns).

Probably about a decade later (after all the other events in book 10 and presumably somewhere during the sangreal quest) Alisander became a knight, and his mum gave him the bloody shirt his dad had died in, making him swear revenge. My mum never did anything for me like that.

He went adventuring, and after one particularly spectacular joust at the seaside where he slew Sir Malgrin he was drugged and kidnapped by Morgan le Fey. She carried him off to her castle La Beale Regard to be ravished, and tricked him into swearing to remain there for a year and a day, but declaring he would "liefer cut away my hangers than I would do her such pleasure" he shagged her cousin instead, and she got her uncle to burn the whole place down while Alisander stood in the garden.

It was there in the smouldering ruins where he was bound to remain by his oath that he met Alice la Beale Pilgrim, and won many great victories defending his bit of rubble from passing knights.

When the oath expired he, Morgan's cousin and Alice all ended up in a three-way in Benoye, and never met Arthur. Alisander begat with Alice a son called Bellengerus le Beuse, and they forgot all about vengeance against King Mark. But he didn't forget about them, and he eventually slew Alisander through treason, though Bellengerus would one day meet (a presumably close-to-the-end-of-his-reign) Arthur, avenge his dad and grandad and slay (an old-enough-to-be-his-great-grandfather) King Mark.

The Joust in Surluse

Sir Galahalt called an eight day joust in his country of Surluse, and everyone was there but Tristram (who was in Cornwall) and Arthur (so Guenever and Launcelot could shack up together). The main melee was always during the day, but special duels were fought after dinner in the evening. On the morning of the eighth day they all went home except Lamorak, who was still scared of Gawaine and co. And rightly so, because (with the exception of Gareth) they soon murdered him, and Mordred struck the killing blow in his back.

King Mark's (almost) Final Treachery

Meanwhile, back in Cornwall, King Mark called his own joust, and relying on Tristram's habit of tourneying incognito convinced King Bagdemagus that he was his bitter enemy Sir Launcelot. Although badly mauled, Tristram won as usual, so Mark drugged him and hid him in a prison.

This was too much for Sirs Sadok and Dinas who actually started an insurrection, but Mark faked some letters from the Pope demanding a crusade and tried to trick Tristram into fighting for him in Jerusalem, but he refused. Then Sir Percivale arrived from Camelot, rescued Tristram and made Mark promise to leave him alone, but Mark fooled the uprisers with his phoney papal bull and locked Tristram up again.

Finally Dinas, Sadok and co. lost patience and locked up King Mark while Sir Tristram and La Beale Isoud fled to Logris (England), never to return.

Hanging Out with Launcelot

They moved into Launcelot's castle Joyous Gard, where they chilled out and Tristram had fun hunting, hawking and hanging out with the gang (where Palomides told Percivale about how his brother Lamorak had been slain by the Orkney Knights after the Surluse Joust).

King Hermance

Tristram's gang were out riding when they encountered a boat on the Humber. King Hermance had been treasonously slain by two of his own knights, and fixed to have his lieutenant Sir Ebel despatch his corpse by sail to King Arthur clutching a letter requiring revenge. Palomides accepted the quest, sailed up the Humber to the Red City and duly executed the evil Sirs Helius and Helake.

That done he returned to Joyous Gard, where "...Dinadan went unto Palomides, and there either made other great joy, and so they lay together that night. And on the morn early came Sir Tristram and Sir Gareth, and took them in their beds, and so they arose and brake their fast."

Hmmmm....

The Tournament at Lonazep

Sirs Tristram, Palomides, Gareth and Dinadan all rode to the tournament at Lonazep, and Tristram set up Isoud in a priory window with a good view of the jousting. The rest of this book is an emotional mess, with Palomides feigning friendship whilst scheming against Tristram and lusting after Isoud.

Everybody was there, including:

Palomides, furious with Tristram for changing sides and making him lose face, foreswore his friendship in a huge scene then rode off sobbing with the kings of Wales and Scotland. Everybody else went home, and Sirs Bloeberis and Ector reported to Queen Guenever at the seaside where she was recuperating from some malady.

Palomides Finally Takes the Hint

Palomides soon left the two kings and went adventuring, helping a fellow love-lorn knight Sir Epinogris (the son of the King of Northumberland) retrieve his lady from Sir Helior le Preuse, and whilst doing so he met his brother Sir Safere.

The two brothers were then captured at a castle whose lord Palomides had slain at Lonazep, and though Safere was released Palomides was bound and taken prisoner to Pelownes by the seaside for execution. Fortunately the guard party passed too close to Joyous Gard and Launcelot rescued him, and for two months he stayed there with Tristram and Isoud, who he made up with, even though the endless sexual frustration made him love-sick.

But then one day Tristram found him by a well in the forest singing loudly about how much he loved Isoud, and there was another huge scene and they promised to fight to the death fifteen days later. Unfortunately in the meantime Tristram was lamed by a hunters arrow (which he always suspected was Palomides' fault) and this time Palomides was there for the fight, and Tristram wasn't.

When Tristram was recovered he searched for Palomides all Summer, but the Saracen was off on his own adventures, and Sir Tristram and La Beale Isoud lived happily ever after at Joyous Gard. Until King Mark's assassin arrived.

Retreat to book 9

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