book 9

Sir Breunor and Other Tales

La Cote Male Tale

Burly Breunor le Noire arrived at Arthur's court wearing the bloody remains of the coat his father had been hacked to death in whilst sleeping by his old enemy, so Sir Kay (who had obviously learned nothing from the Gareth/Beaumains incident) nicknamed him La Cote Male Taile (the evil-shaped coat). After he saved Queen Guenever by slaying a lion that had escaped from Camelot Zoo he was knighted.

Damosel Maledisant or Bienpensant or Beauvivant

He was soon off on his first mission with a damosel who turned up at Arthur's court with a black shield that had a quest attached, and after a few humiliating joust-defeats off Sirs Bloeberis and Palomides he went off with her and got the same sort of continuous abuse over his sartorial appearance as Gareth used to get off Linet in book 7, and so she was known as Maledisant.

They travelled with Sir Mordred for a while, and Breunor killed twelve knights at the Castle Orgulous. Then Launcelot turned up so Mordred left. Launcelot rescued Breunor from Sir Brian de les Isles of the Castle of Pendragon, and Maledisant lightened up so Launcelot started calling her Damosel Bienpensant.

Then Breunor was captured by Sir Plenorius of the village of Surluse who had taken offense at his black shield, and Launcelot rescued him again, and all the other prisoners there including King Carados of Scotland.

Then Launcelot consolidated Arthur's power base in the area by appointing several knights to various lands, including Sir Breunor to the Castle of Pendragon. Sir Breunor was made a Round Table knight and married Damosel Bienpensant, so she changed her name again to Beauvivant. The point of the black shield seems to have been lost.

Pratting About in the Forest Perilous

Meanwhile La Beale Isoud summoned her lover Sir Tristram, his wife Isoud la Blanche Mains, Sir Kehydius and their lackeys Gouvernail and Dame Bragwaine to visit her in Cornwall, but sailing from Brittany they somehow got lost and ended up in North Wales. Sirs Tristram and Kehydius left the lackeys and crumpet back at the ship and went off looking for trouble in The Forest Perilous (near the Castle Perilous) and soon had a scrap with Sir Lamorak who injured Kehydius, whom they left with a forester to recuperate.

Then Sir Palomides passed by in pursuit of The Questing Beast, which had the head of a serpent, the body of a leopard, the buttocks of a lion and the feet of a hart, and he knocked Tristram and Lamorak off their horses and carried on.

Then Sirs Meliagaunce and Lamorak fought over who was the loveliest queen (Guenever who Meliagaunce fancied or Margawse (the Orkney Mum) who Lamorak fancied) until Sirs Launcelot and Bloebris talked them down.

Then Lamorak was unhorsed at joust by a knight he did not know was Arthur (remember him ?), who was there because he had been tricked into following a sorceress called Annowre who fancied him. Later at her turret when Arthur refused to get pelvic she tried to kill him with two of her knights, but Nimue knew what what going down because of her magic and brought Sir Tristram there, and he saved Arthur, and Arthur chopped off Annowre's head. But Sir Tristram chose to remain anonymous.

Back in Cornwall

After ten days Tristram and Lamorak retrieved Kehydius and they returned to the ship and continued on to Cornwall, meeting with Isoud#1 at Tintagil Castle in secret. After chasing Kehydius out of a window for exchanging mushy letters with the queen HE was supposed to be comitting adultery with, Tristram was forced to flee, knocking down Gawaine's son Sir Gingalin on the way.

Then he went mad and ended up running around a forest naked for several months while his cousin Sir Andred stole all his lands, until King Mark found him and banished him from Cornwall for ten years.

Sir Tristram in Exile

Tristram landed incognito and jousted some knights, and dragging Sir Dinadan along with him under threat of death had soon rescued Launcelot from an ambush by thirty of Queen Morgan le Fay's knights.

After a few violent episodes Sir Gawaine appeared and saved Tristram himself from being led by a damosel into a similar Morganic trap. Then Tristram saved a lady from being ravished by the evil Sir Breuse Saunce Pite (or Pityless Bruce) who escaped on his fast getaway horse. Eventually Tristram set off with Sirs Persides and Dinadan for a joust at the Castle of the Maidens, in disguise and bearing an anonymous black shield. On the way Persides and Tristram were both unhorsed by Palomides ,who was himself soon treated similarly by Launcelot.

When they arrived EVERYBODY was there, including Arthur.

The Joust at the Castle of the Maidens

Editor's note: early medieval jousts, or tourneys, were a little like modern football riots, but with the mounted riot police doing all the fighting amongst themselves. Dozens of fully armoured knights on horseback charged into a large field at once, singley or in gangs, and attacked anyone they felt like. It was done for individual status, and so that lords could impress and intimidate one another. The melee would last all day, and there were plenty of injuries and even deaths. The winner was chosen by judges, or by asking the crowd for their favorite.

The main players at this joyful slaughter were all the best knights of:

So it was a national event.

On the first day Tristram and Persides sided with Carados, and Tristram savagely bashed his long-suffering pal Dinadan. Gaheris beat Persides then Tristram beat Gaheris, Dinadan and Bleoberis and won the first day's prize, even though few knew who he was. That evening Tristram and Dinadan lodged secretly in an old castle nearby, belonging to an old knight called Sir Darras (whose five sons were also at the joust).

The next day Tristram joined the King of Northgalis' gang so he could get revenge on Palomides who was with Arthur. After saving Launcelot's twenty kin from the King with the Hundred Knights he rode off with Gouvernail and Sir Dinadan, and in his absence Arthur gave the second day's prize to Northgalis. In the forest Tristram found Palomides sobbing and whingeing about how Tristram was better then him, and stopped him from drowning himself in a well.

On the third day Tristram unhorsed Palomides, then Arthur took to the field and unhorsed him, but then Tristram slew eleven of Launcelot's kin (the same bunch he had rescued the day before) so Launcelot seriously punctured him and he had to ride off into the forest with Dinadan. Though injured he fought off a revenge attack by Sir Palomides and buffeted Gaheris who just happened to be nearby for good measure, before returning to Sir Darras.

Back at the closing ceremony, the crowd voted Launcelot best thug, but he gave it to the absent Tristram, and then set off with ten knights swearing to find him if it took a year.

Apres Joust

Meanwhile, Palomides also ended up lodging with the old knight Sir Darras, who soon figured that it was Tristram who had just killed three of his sons and maimed the remaining two at the joust, and threw them all in prison.

Further Treachery from King Mark

Back in Cornwall, King Mark and Sir Andred were using treachery against visiting Round Table knights such as Sirs Uwaine, Gaheris and Kay, with varying degrees of success, while Launcelot traipsed round with Dame Bragwaine (whom he had just rescued from a fate worse than death at the hands of Pitiless Bruce) looking for Tristram.

Free at Last

Eventually Sir Arras got bored and released his three captive knights from their festering pit, and they each went their separate ways. Dinadan rescued yet another maiden from Pitiless Bruce, Palomides failed to save yet ANOTHER one from him a little later but was outnumbered and almost killed but for... see later, and Tristram managed to get himself immediately captured again, this time by Morgan le Fey, who only released him on a promise to bear a special shield to the next joust, subtly depicting Sir Launcelot's adultery with Guenever.

The Joust at the Castle of the Hard Rock

Tristram bore the shield incognito and smote as magnificently as before. Guenever twigged instantly, and eventually so did Arthur after a hint from one of Morgan's undercover damosels...

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