book 7
Sir Gareth and the Red Knight
Beaumains
Arthur was waiting for his customary marvel before breakfast at the feast of Pentecost in his castle of Kynke Kenadonne in the Welsh marches one day when a nameless young man arrived (leaning on the shoulders of two others) and asked for three gifts; the first being free food and lodging for a year after which he would ask for the other two. Arthur agreed and a scornful Sir Kay christened him Beaumains (Fair-hands), and as his two friends left he sent him to the kitchen to get fat; and there he ate and slept thereafter, politely declining Sirs Gawaine and Launcelot's offers of hospitality.
The following Whitsuntide at Carlion a damosel arrived asking for help for her unidentified lady against the Red Knight of the Red Launds, and Beaumains asked his last last two gifts: the adventure of the damosel and to be knighted by Launcelot when he required it. The damosel objected to being accompanied by a kitchen page, but a mysterious dwarf appeared with a wonderful horse, armour and sword for Beaumains, and with Launcelot accompanying them, off they all went.
Sir Gareth
Sir Kay caught them up looking to further humiliate Beaumains, but his ex-scullery boy punctured him with his sword and then took his shield and spear. Then he had a "friendly" spar with Launcelot, who, after an hour, found himself so close to defeat he actually had to make an excuse to stop fighting.
Beaumains now asked Launcelot to knight him, and so he revealed only to him that he was in fact Gareth of Orkney, and youngest brother to Sirs Gawaine, Gaheris and Agravaine (who had all been away from home for fifteen years, hence their failure to recognise their own sibling).
That done, Launcelot returned to Carlion with the injured Sir Kay and the secret, whilst Sir Gareth, his dwarf and the maiden carried on.
Damosel Whine
The damosel appeared completely unimpressed by Sir "Beaumains'" near victory over Sir Launcelot (the best knight in the world) and continuously complained and insulted him over his culinary year out, on the road and at various lodgings, even after he single-handedly rescued a traveller by killing six brigands, slew two knights (Sirs Gherard and Arnold le Breuse) at a passage of the water of Mortaise followed by Sir Percard the Black Knight of the Black Launds, and defeated his brothers Sir Pertolepe the Green Knight and Sir Perimones the (other) Red Knight.
Eventually he explained his strategy of using his year in the kitchens to learn who his true friends might be, and her scorn to stiffen his resolve, and she stopped being a heinous bitch.
The Blue Knight
Then he defeated the fourth brother Sir Persant of Inde (indigo = blue), slept over and nobly refused to "defoil" the eighteen year-old daughter his host sent him as a test.
The next morning Gareth's damosel finally revealed herself to be Linet, the sister of Dame Lionesse, beseiged within Castle Perilous by Sir Ironside the (main) Red Knight of the Red Launds, and Sir Gareth revealed to her and Sir Persant his own noble birth, while the dwarf carried messages between them, Dame Lionesse and the Red Knight.
The Red Knight
The next morn they arrived at Castle Perilous by the sea, festooned with the corpses of Arthur's knights, and Gareth summoned him by blowing a convenient elephant horn. The Red Knight appeared and battle was joined.
In spite of the Red Knight's handy trick of waxing seven men's strength until noon, and after a massive, prolonged bloody hack, inspired by Dame Lionesse pouting at him from her castle window eventually Sir Gareth overcame his foe, and would have killed him to avenge the dead knights dangling nearby, but spared his life after hearing he had only done it for a lady whose brother had been slain by Sir Gawaine and/or Launcelot. He sent the Red Knight to Arthur's court to apologise, and went himself to free the Dame Lionesse, only to find she had raised the drawbridge.
There is Nothing Like a...
From her window across the moat Dame Lionesse swore her fealty but told the besotted Gareth to go away, later sending her brother Sir Gringamore after him to kidnap his dwarf for interrogation while they slept.
Back at Gringamore's castle he broke instantly, revealing Beaumains' secret identity as Gareth to Sir Gringamore, Dame Lionesse and Damosel Linet (who at least knew how to keep a secret).
Then Gareth turned up in fury looking for his dwarf, but was soon pacified by Dame Lionesse, who Gareth fell instantly in love with without realising who she was.
Eventually everybody found out who everybody was, and Gareth decided to take a year off at the castle with the crumpet, sleeping in the hall.
Knight-Time
One evening Dame Lionesse came down for their first illicit shag, but Linet conjured up a magic knight that stabbed Gareth in the thigh before his head was hacked off, then stuck it back on with special ointment and put her pet zombie back in her room.
After a whle when his groin was functioning they tried again, but Linet pulled the same stunt. This time Gareth minced the undead cranium and threw the bits in the moat, but Linet collected them all and stuck them together again, determined to keep her sister pure until their properly licensed nuptials.
All is Revealed
Meanwhile back at Arthur's court Lot's widow (and Arthur's old flame) Margawse turned up to visit her sons Gawaine, Gaheris and Agravaine whom she hadn't seen in fifteen years, and find out how her youngest Gareth was doing after his first year, so soon all was made plain. But Gareth was still nowhere to be found.
Then Launcelot (working to a hunch based on the multi-coloured knights who had been turning up) suggested that Arthur summon Dame Lionesse, and when she arrived she announced a mega-tourney at her place on the feast of the Assumption of our Lady, the winner to get her and all her land (Gareth's idea), before going home.
The Big Bash
EVERYBODY was there on the day. Dame Lionesse gave Gareth a magic ring that stopped blood loss and changed all the colours of the apparel of the bearer, enabling him to come and go and confuse and conceal his identity. Launcelot guessed who he was and refused to fight him, so he beat up his own big brother Gawaine instead. Whilst pausing for refreshment his dwarf tricked away his ring, and before he got it back his secret identity was out. Peeved, at the end of the first day he rode off into the forest in a sulk.
Sir Gareth's Knight Off
That night he lodged with Arthur's enemy the Duke de la Rowse.
The next morning he came across Sir Bendelaine and mortally wounded him, and killed sixteen of the twenty men who came out of his castle looking for revenge. Then he killed the Brown Knight without Pity and liberated the thirty widows locked up in his castle, and then he found the Duke de la Rowse and beat him up too.
Oh Brother
Grabbing the freshly pulverised duke's shield he then charged at the only other potential victim in sight, a knight that had just wandered into view that happened to be his big brother Gawaine. Neither recognised the other, and after a a couple of hours of mutual maiming Linet turned up and laughingly told them to stop behaving like testosterone junkies so she could bandage them up.
Three Brides for Three Brothers
Eventually Linet got everybody there on the hill-side, including King Arthur and his entire court, the Orkney Mum (Margawse) and Dame Lionesse, and there was loads of fainting as everybody met, recognised and got emotional. Then they threw an eight day party on the spot.
The next Michaelmas Sir Gareth wedded Dame Lionesse, Sir Gaheris wedded Damosel Linet and Sir Agravaine wedded Dame Laurel (Lionesse's niece), and everybody Gareth had either conquered or saved was there to stand by admiringly.
But as time went by Gareth spent so much time with Sir Launcelot that he got snotty and withdrew from his brother Gawaine's company.
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