Conchobor mac Nesa was well loved, got to shag every
female in sight and was rich.
She warned him not to boast, but one day at a fair in Ulster he saw the King's chariot win a race and boasted that his wife was faster. The king ordered that she be brought to prove it, but being nine months pregnant she begged for a delay to give birth. The crowd refused, and she raced and won, immediately delivering twins (Emain Macha = the twins of Macha) and cursed that for nine generations all the men of Ulster would suffer the same birth pangs in their times of greatest difficulty, for five days (or nights) and four nights (or days).
Nes daughter of Eochaid Salbuide was sitting outside Emain when a
passing druid called Cathbad told her it was the
perfect time to beget a king, so wasting no time she shagged him
(druids aren't stupid), begetting Conchobor three
years and months later at the feast of Othar.
When Conchobor was seven Nes agreed to marry the Ulster king Fergus mac Roich if he would let Conchobor be king just for one year, but Nes was cunning and persuaded the men of Ulster to make it permanent and dump Fergus.
Conchobor mac Nesa was well loved, got to shag every
female in sight and was rich.
One day young Setanta decided to leave home and go to
Emain Macha to join the boy troop, whom he beat up a few times. He
killed anyone who woke him up. He once rescued wounded Conchobor and
his son Cuscraid from a battlefield, and when the Ustermen were
birth-pang-ridden he killed nine marauders from Faichi and put the
remaining 18 to flight. And all before he was five.
When Setanta was six
Conchobor & Co went to visit Culann the Smith,
but Setanta was busy beating three-times-fifty boys at Shoot-the-Goal,
wrestling and the Stripping Game, so he said he would follow on. At the
feast they forgot about Setanta and Culann released his huge hound to
guard the Smithy and as the boy arrived it attacked him. The men rushed
outside in time to see the boy kill the animal with his bare hands (or
his ball). Culann welcomed him, but mourned the loss of his great
hound, so Setanta swore to raise a pup from the same pack, and until it
was grown to guard the Smith's herds and lands himself. The druid
Cathbad immediately gave him the name Cuchulainn- The
Hound of Culann.
At seven Cuchulainn was so gorgeous the Ulstermen
decided to marry him off to keep him off their women. He and his
charioteer Laeg mac Riangabra in his chariot pulled
by the Brug na Boinne foals (one called The Grey of Macha)
headed off to The Gardens of Lug to chat up Emer the
daughter of Forgall Monach. Cuchulainn offered to rest his weapon
between her tits, but she said not until he killed several hundred men
at particular fords and not slept for a year, plus some sword tricks.
In order to put a stop to all this Forgall pursuaded Conchobor to send Cuchulainn off to train under Domnall Mildemail on Alba, and then Scathac to learn the greatest secrets of combat (and hopefully get killed). Cuchulainn promised Emer to stay a virgin and set off to Domnall, where he learned many hero feats, then further East to Scathac. He jumped the Pupils' Bridge to her island, and Scathac told her daughter Uathach to shag him. During this she cried out, a hard man called Cochar Cruibne came running, assumed date-rape, attacked Cuchulainn, and was decapitated, so Cuchulainn took his job.
On Uathach's advice Cuchulainn climbed up Scathach's yew tree, put his sword between her tits and made her promise him thorough training, a dowry and a prophesy.
Meanwhile Forgall was trying to marry off Emer and she was scaring them off with the mention of Cuchulainn, including Cuchulainn's foster-brother Lugaid mac Nois.
Scathach was at war with another warrioress chief Aife whom Cuchulainn distracted with the oldest trick in the book, dragged off by the tits and shagged. When she was pregnant Cuchulainn told her to wait seven years, give the boy his ring, tell him to come to Ireland, and reveal his name (Connla), make way for and refuse combat to no man. Then he returned to Scathach, killing the mother of his last three victims on the way.
Cuchulainn learned numerous hero-feats (including the top-secret Gae Bolga) and a prophesy. Then he returned to Emain.
It took a year to break into Forgall's fortress, then he killed 309 men with his sickle-chariot, salmon-leaped over the rampart, killed 24 men sparing Emer's three brothers, Forgall slipped and killed himself, Cuchulainn jumped out again with Emer, her sister and their weight in gold and silver, and fled across several fords killing a hundred men at each, as per Emer's specification, so she married him.
At Emain Conchobor was forced to sleep with Emer out of custom, but Fergus and Cathbad joined in to prevent any first-forcing (in theory) and keep Cuchulainn cool.
He took Conchobor's chariot and charioteer Ibor for a spin round Siab Fuait where he sabotaged Conall Cernach's chariot and went on to do the grand tour, finally killing all three sons of Nechta Scene and taking their heads. On the way home he also captured deer and swans, and got so worked up by the time he returned to Emain that the Men of Ulster were forced to send out all their women naked and dump him in three vats of water to cool him off.
Bricriu mac Carbad of the poisoned tongue threw a
party for the Men of Ulster and in order to cause trouble asked who was
champion: Cuchulainn, Conall of the Victories or Laery the Triumphant.
To decide he summoned from a lake a demon called The Terrible, who
challenged them to chop off his head on condition that if he survived
he got his own back next day. Only Cuchulainn accepted, and the demon
returned to the lake carrying his axe and recently severed head.
Next day he returned, healed, and when Cuchulainn kept his word and offered his neck The Terrible spared him and pronounced him Champion of Ulster, and indeed Ireland.
Mesroda mac Datho of Leinster owned a great hound and
a huge boar. Both King Conchobor of Ulster and Queen Medb of Connacht
made generous offers for the hound, and in order to avoid denying it to
either and making a powerful enemy at his wife's suggestion he threw a
party and invited both sides, hoping the situation would resolve
itself.
The boar was slaughtered and cooked, and with Bricriu's encouragement the heroes of Ulster and Connacht fell to arguing over who was to get the hero's portion. Ket mac Maga of Connacht verbally humiliated in turn the Ulstermen Cuscrid mac Conor, Keltchar, Munremur mac Gerrcinn (pron. Gherkin ?), Laery the Triumphant and several others (Cuchulainn presumably being back home at Imrith Fort on Murtheimne Plain).
Then Conall of the Victories arrived late, smashed Ket
in the mush with the recently severed head of his brother Anluan and
started a riot. The Connachtmen ran off home, and Ailill's charioteer
decapitated the pursuing hound as he went.
So mac Datho lost his hound and boar, but kept his lands and life.
Pursued by Conchobor
they wandered all over Erin, and ended up in Alba,
where the king there fancied her too, so they ended up on an island.
Conchobor sent trust-worthy ex-king Fergus mac Roich to bring them back in peace under his protection, but then took advantage of Fergus' geas never to refuse a booze-up to separate him and Dubthach from them, and they arrived in Emain Macha with only his son Fiacha. Conchobor had them ambushed on the green by king Eogan mac Durthact of Fernmag (who owed him some favours), and all were killed including Fergus' son Fiachta except Derdriu who was tied up. Then Fergus returned with Dubthach and Cormac and in vengeance killed several of Conchobor's relatives causing civil war. Dubthach massacred the girls of Ulster, Fergus burned Emain and all three thousand exiles led by Fergus and Conchobor's own son Cormac Connlongas and including Bricriu, Dubthach, Fiacha mac Fir Febe (Conchobor's grandson) and Cuchulain's foster-brothers Lugaid mac Nois and Conall Cernach fled to Queen Medb and King Ailill of Connacht from where they pillaged Ulster every night for 16 years. It says.
One year after the burning of Macha Conchobor and Eogan were taking Derdriu there for a three-way when she leaned out of the chariot and smashed her own brains out on a rock.
Cuchulainn must have been away.
All this has merely been a preamble to the Irish Illiad,...
...or The Cattle Raid of Cooley.
In Cruachan on Ai Plain Queen Medb and King
Ailill mac Mata of Connacht were arguing over who had the most
wealth. Ailill just won because of Finnbennach, so Medb sent messengers
to find another as good, and learned of Dub. She sent her messenger Mac
Roth with nine others to negotiate the loan of the beast from
Fiachna, and things went well until some of them were overheard
boasting that they could have taken it by force anyway. Mac Roth
returned empty handed, so on the first Monday after Samain Medb
assembled...
Although a third of the Men of Ulster were away somewhere and the remainder already in labour a Connacht poet Fedelm (possibly the youngest incarnation of The Triple Aspected Goddess Danu) prophesied the host would meet disaster at the hands of the Forge Hound.
Then they proceeded to Mag Muceda where Cuchulainn had left an oghamed oak they broke 30 chariots failing to leap, and camped.
Medb sent Fraich after Cuchulainn, who killed him and
green fairy women took his body. Fergus leapt the oak and the host
moved on, harried by Cuchulainn who killed another six and Medb's dog,
pissing her off, so she ordered a pursuit until their chariot shafts
broke.
Then he killed the three sons of Garach; Lon, Ualu and Diliu, and their charioteers Meslir, Meslaech and Meslethan.
At Methe Cuchulainn swore to sling at Medb and Ailill at every opportunity, but only got Medb's squirrel and Ailill's bird, and their jester Maenen, after which Ailill forbade scoffing and ordered night marches.
At the ford on the Nith Cuchulainn killed Lethan and his charioteer Mulca, and many more as the host crossed Breg Plane.
The Morrigan told the brown bull Dub to leave Temair Chuailgne and he went to Sliab Cuilinn with his fifty heifers and herdsman Forgaimen, killing two-thirds of the three times fifty boys playing on his back.
At Cuailgne Cuchulainn mistakenly slung Medb's maid Lochu.
At Finnabair Chuailgne the host divided and later regrouped on Conaille Plain, in the meantime either...
Ualu died trying to cross the unusually swollen river Cronn, where Cuchulainn also killed Cronn, Caemdele, 100 warriors, 124 kings and the two Tain chroniclers Roan and Roae, which is why the Tain was lost and had to be found much later.
Then they lost 100 chariots crossing the river Colptha, finally reaching Conaille Plain. or...
Cuchulainn took the ford on the Cronn River, calling on it to rise to the treetops, and slew one Maine, 30 horsemen and 32 warriors. Lugaid approached him to discuss cookery and arrange safe camping for himself and the other Ulster exiles, and eventually even for Ailill, as they camped for one, 20 or 30 nights.
Then they moved on, and Cuchulainn slew 30 each at Ath Duirn and Cuil Airthir, and Ailill's charioteer Cuillius, before they reached Conaille Plain.
Medb bribed Nadcranntail to fight first, offering her own daughter Finnabair.
The next day Nadcranntail attacked with nine thrown spears and Cuchulainn's spear-stepping battle feats were mistaken for retreat, so they met again the next day where Cuchulainn wore a false beard to convince Nadcranntail he was an adult, speared him with more spear-feats and sliced him in four.
Medb pillaged Cuib in the North for a fortnight and her warrior Buide
mac Bain found and captured the bull and its herdsman. Cuchulainn
killed mac Bain with his javelin, but they got the bull to the Connacht
camp. Then they sent Ailill's satirist Redg to ask Cuchulainn for his
javelin to disarm him, so he gave it to him through the head.
Medb and her troops regrouped and the Ulster Herdsman Forgaimen tried to make off with the bull, but they trampled him to death.
The next day it was Lath mac Dabro, then Foirc mac tri n-Aignech, then Srubgaile mac Eobith. In desperation Medb got Ferbaeth (who trained with Cuchulainn under Scathach) drunk and offered her daughter again, if he killed his old pal. Cuchulainn learned of this through his frequent chats with his foster brother the exiled Ulsterman Lugaid mac Nois, and summoned Ferbaeth to talk, they argued and Cuchulainn ended up throwing a holly spear through his head and out of his mouth.
Next Medb and Ailill got drunk and offered their daughter to a succession of warriors, all of whom died.
Next they sent Larene, but Lugaid asked Cuchulainn not to kill his brother, so he only beat the shit out of him. Literally.
Now The Morrigan, Goddess of War (and middle
incarnation of The Triple Aspected Goddess), visited Cuchulainn
disguised as a princess, and they did not get on, and she ended up
promising to return against him in the fight, and left.
Loch mac Mofemis was asked next, but made a feeble excuse about not fighting boys, so his brother Long went instead, and died. Then for seven nights Medb sent out assassins, but they all died too. Finally Loch agreed to fight (pursuaded by Cuchulainn's fake berry juice beard) and as they set to the Morrigan appeared as an eel about Cuchulainn's ankles causing him to fall and receive terrible sword wounds. But Fergus told a fellow exiled Ulsterman Bricriu to taunt Cuchulainn and he rose up and smote the Morrigan as eel, bitch-wolf and heifer, stampeding the cattle furtively being sneaked out of Ulster down stream during Loch's distraction through the Connacht camp, wrecking it. Then Cuchulainn rammed his Gae Bolga up Loch's arse and took his head.
The Morrigan reappeared as an old hag and tricked the thoroughly knackered Cuchulainn into blessing her, thus lifting the marks of the injuries he inflicted.
Then she invited him to talk and sent 14 (or 20) name-sharing warriors to ambush him, but he killed all those too. He also attacked the camp killing another eight name-sharers (two called Dagri, two called Anle and four called Dungas from Imlech). Then they sent another five out to him, and he did for them.
Now Fergus insisted on no more cheating, and in daily single combat Cuchulainn killed Fota, Bomailce, Salach, Muinne, Luar and Fertoithle, then three druids Traig, Dornu and Dernu (Foot, Fist and Palm), and their wives Col, Mebul and Eraise (Lust, Shame and Nothingness). Then Medb reverted to form and sent 100 men to kill him and he massacred the lot.
Through Lugaid Ailill offered Cuchulainn his much-offered daughter Finnabair, but sent her with his spare jester Tamun disguised as himself. Cuchulainn slung out his brains, chopped off her hair and impaled them both on pillar-stones, in Finnabair's case apparently not fatally (see later). But it must have made her eyes water.
Then Cuchulainn's father from the Sidhe, Lug mac Ethnenn, came to him, and healed his many wounds, and he slept for three days and nights at the grave mound at Lerga.
Cuchulainn awoke feeling utterly rampant, until Lug told him about the
boy-troop and left. Laeg then prepared the dreaded spikey
sickle-chariot and Cuchulainn his battle-harness and together they
attacked the host. Cuchulainn was gripped by his greatest warp-spasm
and became a fearsome monster, and by the end of the day had killed 130
kings, uncountable hundreds of warriors, and dogs, horses, women, boys,
children and rabble of all kinds. Over two thirds of the host were
killed or maimed. Cuchulainn, Laeg and their horses were not even
scratched.
Some Ulstermen and some of the host slew each other with javelins at Imroll Belaig Eoin, or it may have been later. And Aengus mac Aenlam Gaibe delayed the whole army at Muid Loga but he was not protected by the rule of fair play and was overwhelmed.
Medb got Fergus very drunk and he went off to fight his own foster-son Cuchulainn, who took the piss out of his missing sword and agreed to yield, if Fergus would yield the next time. Cuchulainn withdrew for the first and last time and the host moved on to camp at Crich Rois.
The next day Connacht man Ferchu Loingsech and 11 pals attacked Cuchulainn in order to win forgiveness for having pillaged Medb and Ailill's lands, but he cut off their heads and stuck each on a menhir.
The next day Medb sent 29 men after him at Fuiliarn Swamp (Gaile Dana (or possibly the druid Calatin) his son-in-law and 27 sons), all bearing poisoned weapons, and at Fergus' request his fellow Ulster exile Fiacha mac Fir Febe went along to watch. Cuchulainn caught their poisoned javelins on his shield, then they bore him down onto the ford bed. He gave his cry of unfair fight, and as they raised their 29 fists Fiacha chopped off the lot. In order to eliminate the witnesses and protect the exiles Cuchulainn and the two recently de-panged sons of Ficce (Ulstermen) killed them all.
The next day Ferdia
said his goodbyes to Medb early
while she was pissing in the tent and set off, nagged by his own
charioteer. He and Cuchulainn met and broke their
friendship with taunts, to Cuchulainn's regret. Then they set to with
trick shields, swords and darts until noon, drawing no blood. Then with
tough shields and strong spears until sunset, drawing much blood, when
they retired for the day to the same camp, sharing their food and
healing herbs.
The second day Cuchulainn chose big stabbing spears and broadshields, and they fought all day inflicting ludicrous wounds on one another, such that that night in their shared camp their healers had to use magic to keep them alive.
The third day Ferdia chose massive broadswords and full-length shields, and by sunset had hacked enough bits off each other to kill an army, and this time retired, wasted, to separate camps.
The fourth day Ferdia
shoved a millstone up his leather apron to stop the Gae Bolga which he
knew Cuchulainn was packing, and they met at the ford and showed off.
Cuchulainn chose ford-combat, his speciality. There followed a
literally earth-shaking battle, Cuchulainn egged on by Laeg, until
Ferdia got lucky and stabbed him particularly badly in the chest, and
Cuchulainn was forced to throw his javelin through his heart, and then
with his foot his Gae Bolga through all his other bits. Ferdia died
whingeing, and Cuchulainn carried him off, heartbroken, to cut out his
Gae Bolga.
First Cethern mac Fintan attacked the host and slaughtered many, but ended up back at Cuchulainn with his guts hanging out. He killed either 15 or 50 healers for delivering pessimistic prognoses, so Cuchulainn fetched Conchobor's own healer Fingin, who made an excellent diagnosis from a safe distance of 12 preposterous wounds inflicted by 26 related enemies, and got punched out for the effort. Cethern bathed in marrow for three days, replaced his ribs with chariot parts, grabbed his weapons and charged back into the fray, killing many before being overwhelmed.
His father Fintan attacked next with 150 men, to avenge his son. Only he and his other son Crimthann survived.
Then Menn mac Salchada attacked with 30 men, and 12 died on each side, and he retreated.
Then gorgeous, pouting Rochad mac Faithemain attacked with 100 warriors, but Medb trapped him using Finnabair as bait, and after a shag (and possibly even a troth-plighting) he retreated.
Unfortunately seven Munster kings now twigged that they had all been promised first shag and been cheated, attacked Ailill and Co and 700 died, at which Finnabair died of shame. Or not.
Then Laegaire's crumbly old grandad Ilech attacked naked in a decrepit chariot through which his dick and balls hung, killing many Connachtmen until Dochae mac Magach took his head back to his grandson Laegaire and made friends.
Then 150 Ulster charioteers died killing 450 of the host at Tailtu.
Then Curoi mac Dairi and Munremur mac Gerrcinn attacked them with a meteor shower at Mag Clochair.
But all the Ulster survivors swore to return at the last battle.
Still recuperating, Cuchulain
sent his dad Sualdam to Emain Macha to rally the Ulstermen, where he
tripped and accidentaly decapitated himself on his shield. But
Conchobor was roused and had his son Finnchad Fer Benn, the
Horned Man, rally the hosts, who had all been waiting
impatiently anyway.
To warm up he and Celtchar took 150 chariots ahead to Airthir Midi Ford, returning with the heads of 160 warriors left there on guard.
In the Connacht camp Dubthach Dael, the Ulster exile, had forboding dreams and the war god Nemain assailed the host, killing 100 of them.
But he didn't see at least another four companies still on their way, or Cuchulainn, hors de combat nearby at Fedan Collna.
That night the Morrigan spoke dire prophesies and the war gods called out to the men of Ireland (as opposed to Ulster), and 100 died of fright, and Ailill called to his surviving 31 trios.
Ailill finally gave
Fergus his sword back, who charged in and almost
lost his temper with Conchobor, but Cormac Connlongas pursuaded him to
decapitate three hills instead. At the sound Cuchulainn warp-spasmed
and rushed in carrying his chariot on his back, pausing only to crush
the skulls of two handmaids sent by Medb to open his wounds with
depressing lies. He reminded Fergus of his promise to give way, and he
retreated with his own troop of 3,000 plus the Men of Galeoin and
Munster. Cuchulainn smashed the last company of the men of Ireland at
noon, and the last battle was over.
Medb had just sneaked away the Brown Bull of Cuailnge off to Cruachan when she got a really heavy period, and was right in the middle of a major gush when Cuchulainn found her, and out of character killed her not. He watched her, Ailill, Fergus and the few survivors all the way to the Connacht border at Ath Luain.
Medb and Ailill made peace with Ulster for seven years, Finnabair, dead or alive, did or did not stay with Cuchulainn, the surviving Connachtmen went home and the Ulstermen returned to Emain Macha in triumph.
But Ailill's bull was dead, so Medb won the argument
with Ailill after all.
After sending Laeg to check it out he entered Tir Na Nog, did the job and hung out with Fand for a month, but when they met again on Earth Emer turned up with fifty armed handmaidens, and after a scene Fand went home with Mananan and Cuchulainn pined until the druids gave him amnesia potion and Mananan shook his cloak between them, parting them forever.
The Clan Calatin began by exhausting Cuchulainn in battle against illusions for two days at his home at Murthemnie, until Cathbad had him sent to a secret glen tended by Conall of the Victories' wife Niam and her fifty handmaidens. But Calatin's daughter Bedb enchanted Niam, and in her form roused Cuchulainn to battle again.
Laeg harnessed his chariot, but The Grey of Macha bucked and wept blood (and presumably Black Sainglend was a bit spooked). He went by Emain Macha to pick up three javelins (each prophesied to kill a king) on his way home to Murthemnie, where a goblet of wine from his mother turned to blood. Cuchulainn bid his wife Emer goodbye and set off to battle.
Cuchulainn finally found Medb's host near Slieve Fuad, and immediately attacked slaying hundreds as usual. Lewy sent a satirist to demand of him one of his javelins, and Cuchulainn was forced to give him one, through his heart and the nine men behind him. Lewy retrieved the javelin and cast it back, killing Laeg, King of all charioteers.
Then another satirist demanded the second javelin or he would revile Ulster, and again Cuchulainn threw it through him and the nine behind. This time Erc retrieved it and flung it back, mortally wounding The Grey of Macha, King of all horses.
A third satirist demanded the final javelin, and again Cuchulainn cast it through him and nine others. Lewy cast it back mortally wounding Cuchulainn, King of all Champions.
Black Sainglend broke away and left him, and Cuchulainn made his way to the loch side to wash, protected by the teeth and hooves of the Grey of Macha. He then tied himself to a standing stone, and still his enemies feared to approach until the Grey had left and the raven (The Morrigan) settled on his shoulder. As Lewy smote off his head, Cuchulainn's sword fell from his dead hand and hacked off Lewy's own hand. They took Cuchulainn's head and hand to Tara, and buried them beneath a mound.
Meanwhile Conall of the Victories was hurrying to the battle, and met the Grey of Macha which led him to its headless master, where it died. He drove South and came upon Lewy by the Liffey, tied one hand behind his back in the spirit of fair play and fought for half a day, until his horse Dewy-Red bit Lewy and he slew him, taking his head to Emain Macha. But not in triumph, for the Hound of Ulster was no more.
Back at Emain Macha the surgeons could not remove the shot, but sewed it up and suggested plenty of rest, but unfortunately Conchobor got all worked up over something insignificant and burst his brain.
Why ?
Which just leaves Conall of the Victories still
standing.
Years later even than that, somewhere in the Historical Cycle...
Or it was learned by Senchan himself from certain saints of the seed of Fergus on a fast.
Then, about 300 years after the Ultonian Cycle there came The Fenian Cycle.
Dylan Blight as Cathbad
Adrian Smith as King Conchobor mac Nesa of Ulster
Ashley as Setanta
Paul Axon as Cuchulainn
Philsy Dridge as Bricriu mac Carbad
Graham as Mesroda mac Datho
Paul Attard as Ket mac Maga
Karl Gallagher as Conall of the Victories
Kate Attrill as Derdiu
Matt Curl as Noisiu mac Uisliu
Jane Smith as Queen Medb of Connaught
Nobby Clarke as King Ailill mac Mata of Connaught
Dave Cilia as Fraich
Diane Cilia as The Morrigan
Clive Tranter as Ferdia mac Damain
Daibh Green as Finnchad Fer Benn, the Horned Man